homesick

eh. i dont know. i'm homesick and vaguely startled/disturbed by interpersonal relationships. here's the THING, guys. (and i'm hoping even ONE of you have this same worry)- the more out in the world i am, the more exposed and weird i feel. it's sort of a strange thing for me, as i truly believe in living an open life, but being here makes that almost impossible. for one thing, NO ONE asks about my life back home, AND for another- my life back home doesnt actually make sense to the people here and, in some cases, is offensive (see also homophobia- not so much in regards to me, but to most of my friends and, indeed, my father). but it's SO damn hard to make friends here- partly because everyone here has a LIFE already, which is fine, but getting INTO someone's life is difficult. i'm aware that this happens everywhere and it's not just a problem related to here, but still- it makes for difficult days, like today. partly, it's difficult, too, because i think i'm actually rather guarded, and the people here are as well. i think THEY are guarded (after having this conversation with marcia and then sherrie-ann) because: 1) it's a small country and why put your business out for people to hear when it could easily get BACK to people you dont want to hear?, and 2) because evidently, everyone is rather "cut-throat" here in their need to get a leg up. so couple that with my inherent, private nature and need for deeper relationships and you get ME, homesick and troubled.
i'm also troubled because i dont think i make very good attachments to people. am i, in fact, just distracting myself with trying to make friendships, etc, here? could i leave tomorrow and never talk to anyone from here again and be fine? i was worried about this leaving cedar rapids too, actually.
i dont know, marcia peterman says i'm a big worrier and to some extent, she's probably right, though "worrier" implies, to me anyway, someone who's CONSTANTLY worrying about every little thing, and i really, truly DONT do that. i am concerned about many things, i think about inevitable catastrophic events, i tend to see things going poorly as opposed to WELL. . . okay, i'm a worrier. my name is anne and i'm a worrier.
i just dont want to be UNAWARE.
bleh. what i truly feel like today is going home, back to my comfort zone, not making a complete FOOL of myself with people, and taking a nap.