so i know. it's been MONTHS. it's been BUSY and i'm sorry for that. i was just sitting here on a thursday night thinking about my last class, which graduated in july. i had the TOP FIVE students of ALL the graduating classes, thank you, thank you.
i was going to tell you a story here, but i dont think i'd better, considering my students could find this and it's about one of them.
suffice it to say- my life has been hectic. june was taken up with a wedding, which went very well for the bride and groom and was utterly disappointing to me, personally. i had asked someone i know here to go with me, in the hopes of simply being social with him. you all know me- it's not like i was asking to have babies or anything. i just wanted to get to know him outside of the relationship we had had previously. he said yes and then proceeded to NOT talk to me. nice, very nice. i was angry, yes, but mostly shocked because i truly havent ever been treated so poorly, so publicly before. we're friendly now and that's okay with me. i certainly had a crush, but it was gone PROMPTLY that night!
then, we had finals, and graduation, which went very well. i spent 2 weeks going over every little detail of the finals and internship to make sure all work was done. it was grueling and i honestly spent pretty much every waking moment on it for 2 weeks straight. i was a wreck by the time classes ended.
the graduation was amazing, though, and i was so very proud of my students. they were a complete joy to come into every day and i was sorry to see that relationship end.
i was home for most of august and i have to say, i loved ALL of it. i reconnected with many of you and made a really great connection with an old family friend. it was unbelievably difficult to come back to barbados, which has felt like home for a long enough period of time that i was shocked.
i'm trying to realize my place in the world at the moment and will definitely have an update sooner than a couple of months.
i am feeling loved and filled with love lately, in a way not known or understood before, and it goes out to all of you. thank you so much for being patient with me and for continuing to call and stay connected!
Thursday, September 03, 2009
Saturday, May 02, 2009
it's gone
well. it's happened. i'm now less iowan than i was yesterday.
so, bajans do this HILARIOUS thing (well, hilarious to us americans, anyway. not hilarious to the bajans who look at us strangely when we laugh). they don't like the rain. i've commented on this before on this blog and i can't stress to you ENOUGH how much they really don't care for the rain. there's some strange idea here that they will catch a cold if they're out in it. they also believe this to be true of air conditioning. i have tried to reason with friends here that i have, in fact, been out in the rain A LOT and in air conditioning A LOT and never have i gotten sick specifically and directly in relation to either. they don't believe me. they are adamant. and you know, maybe they're right. they have lived HERE their whole lives, for the most part. maybe they DO get sick because let's face it- it's typically HOT here. . . i dont know. i still think it's hilarious and i generally, nowadays (you heard it here first, i used "nowadays"), i quietly chuckle to myself when i hear this argument.
on rainy days, this is what happens: there aren't as many people on the roads (bonus for driving). my students show up at least 30 minutes later than their usual 15-20 minutes they are late anyway. . . well, some of them anyway. you see ALL sorts of people leaning against bus stops, under arches- anywhere they dont get in the rain. the buses are typically LESS full than normal because who wants to go out to WORK and catch a cold? and really- good logic in that, as if they catch a cold, they won't be in to work AT ALL, so why not be late? and the BEST- all the people at the grocery store stay right at the doors leading out, put their groceries down and watch the rain until it abates enough or lets up completely. usually, you can find a nice-sized crowd at the grocery store doors on rainy days, unless they've come prepared with umbrellas. you can't IMAGINE how much bajans love umbrellas.
i've been noticing for the last 6 months or so- i'm starting not to like the rain either. this is mostly because i saw how horrifying rain can be back in the fall and now, i'm just a little skittish when i'm out IN it. i tend now to think that the flash flood IS COMING, no matter how hard it's raining. it's just a matter of time.
i'm more apt to take my time when it's raining, knowing my students are taking their time, too. i usually just want to stay in bed now.
but today? guess where one could have found me at 930 this morning? that's right. standing in the doors of the super centre in holetown, bags at my feet, watching the rain. . . and then looking longingly at my car, which was parked not 10 feet away. and my justification for this behavior?- i had to put the groceries in the BACK of the car, thus having to open TWO doors, which would get me MORE wet than if i just got IN. plus, i had locked the car, so there was that 2 seconds of rain falling on me that i wanted to avoid. i told myself i would go as soon as it "let up" enough to make a dash. i told myself this through 2 cycles of the rain letting up. i just didnt want to go OUT in it. so i relaxed. i didn't have anywhere to be. today was saturday. who needs me at 930 in the morning?
all the bajans looked at me. i looked at them. and then we all went back to staring at the rain.
so, bajans do this HILARIOUS thing (well, hilarious to us americans, anyway. not hilarious to the bajans who look at us strangely when we laugh). they don't like the rain. i've commented on this before on this blog and i can't stress to you ENOUGH how much they really don't care for the rain. there's some strange idea here that they will catch a cold if they're out in it. they also believe this to be true of air conditioning. i have tried to reason with friends here that i have, in fact, been out in the rain A LOT and in air conditioning A LOT and never have i gotten sick specifically and directly in relation to either. they don't believe me. they are adamant. and you know, maybe they're right. they have lived HERE their whole lives, for the most part. maybe they DO get sick because let's face it- it's typically HOT here. . . i dont know. i still think it's hilarious and i generally, nowadays (you heard it here first, i used "nowadays"), i quietly chuckle to myself when i hear this argument.
on rainy days, this is what happens: there aren't as many people on the roads (bonus for driving). my students show up at least 30 minutes later than their usual 15-20 minutes they are late anyway. . . well, some of them anyway. you see ALL sorts of people leaning against bus stops, under arches- anywhere they dont get in the rain. the buses are typically LESS full than normal because who wants to go out to WORK and catch a cold? and really- good logic in that, as if they catch a cold, they won't be in to work AT ALL, so why not be late? and the BEST- all the people at the grocery store stay right at the doors leading out, put their groceries down and watch the rain until it abates enough or lets up completely. usually, you can find a nice-sized crowd at the grocery store doors on rainy days, unless they've come prepared with umbrellas. you can't IMAGINE how much bajans love umbrellas.
i've been noticing for the last 6 months or so- i'm starting not to like the rain either. this is mostly because i saw how horrifying rain can be back in the fall and now, i'm just a little skittish when i'm out IN it. i tend now to think that the flash flood IS COMING, no matter how hard it's raining. it's just a matter of time.
i'm more apt to take my time when it's raining, knowing my students are taking their time, too. i usually just want to stay in bed now.
but today? guess where one could have found me at 930 this morning? that's right. standing in the doors of the super centre in holetown, bags at my feet, watching the rain. . . and then looking longingly at my car, which was parked not 10 feet away. and my justification for this behavior?- i had to put the groceries in the BACK of the car, thus having to open TWO doors, which would get me MORE wet than if i just got IN. plus, i had locked the car, so there was that 2 seconds of rain falling on me that i wanted to avoid. i told myself i would go as soon as it "let up" enough to make a dash. i told myself this through 2 cycles of the rain letting up. i just didnt want to go OUT in it. so i relaxed. i didn't have anywhere to be. today was saturday. who needs me at 930 in the morning?
all the bajans looked at me. i looked at them. and then we all went back to staring at the rain.
Thursday, April 23, 2009
robert lancaster is a GOON
i left out ROB on my list of people i loved up on while at home. . . and for that, i might need to be spanked. . . uh, wait. never mind.
suffice it to say- rob made me carrot cake that could be the father to my babies. . . if it was, you know, HUMAN. . . and gave me some great hugs, good laughs and very, very serious cake-lovin'.
you GOON.
suffice it to say- rob made me carrot cake that could be the father to my babies. . . if it was, you know, HUMAN. . . and gave me some great hugs, good laughs and very, very serious cake-lovin'.
you GOON.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
i went home and then came back home
well, it's official. barbados now feels more like "HOME" than iowa. and that's the truth. i went home, saw my people, loved up on my mom, chad, jay, mateo. saw tony m and greg. forgot to call tiffany and mark, for which i am truly sorry.
and through all of it, kept wondering why i was there and what was going on at HOME.
so i'm done being discombobulated by it and am accepting and moving onwards. i don't say iowa won't feel like home again at some other point, just not now.
i'm SO happy to be back here. and so happy to see my people here. and to see my marcia peterman.
travel messes me up completely so it's tuesday, i got back saturday and i'm just now feeling right again.
more later, i promise!
and through all of it, kept wondering why i was there and what was going on at HOME.
so i'm done being discombobulated by it and am accepting and moving onwards. i don't say iowa won't feel like home again at some other point, just not now.
i'm SO happy to be back here. and so happy to see my people here. and to see my marcia peterman.
travel messes me up completely so it's tuesday, i got back saturday and i'm just now feeling right again.
more later, i promise!
Monday, March 23, 2009
last night
how i felt last night, have been feeling. . . my heart pulled in many directions, my mind stretched and reaching for many ideas. it's not a bad feeling, but it gets lonely, i feel.
displacement
these days,
the sky is not the same.
and still. i am.
they say-home is where the heart is.
and still. mine is unfettered, unbound.
undone.
and home feels a million places away.
these ears are accustomed to the silence of snow,
these eyes begin with solid. black. earth.
everyday, in every way,
i miss it. you. them.
and still. i do not.
to be torn between lives,
push-pulled and buffeted
by sea,
the wind,
the sun-
this language of nature i recognize,
but whose dialect is not the same.
these days, the green i knew and the green i see are not the same.
and still. my heart is.
i could explain all of this to you,
give it word. and depth.
and still. it isn't the same.
to be tugged, at war with your heart,
your word,
your language.
please understand- i already felt displaced,
got homesick at home.
so. if my eyes look bruised today,
please settle the loving language of stars down around these shoulders
and embrace the weary heart
who has not yet found a home.
displacement
these days,
the sky is not the same.
and still. i am.
they say-home is where the heart is.
and still. mine is unfettered, unbound.
undone.
and home feels a million places away.
these ears are accustomed to the silence of snow,
these eyes begin with solid. black. earth.
everyday, in every way,
i miss it. you. them.
and still. i do not.
to be torn between lives,
push-pulled and buffeted
by sea,
the wind,
the sun-
this language of nature i recognize,
but whose dialect is not the same.
these days, the green i knew and the green i see are not the same.
and still. my heart is.
i could explain all of this to you,
give it word. and depth.
and still. it isn't the same.
to be tugged, at war with your heart,
your word,
your language.
please understand- i already felt displaced,
got homesick at home.
so. if my eyes look bruised today,
please settle the loving language of stars down around these shoulders
and embrace the weary heart
who has not yet found a home.
Wednesday, February 04, 2009
homesick
eh. i dont know. i'm homesick and vaguely startled/disturbed by interpersonal relationships. here's the THING, guys. (and i'm hoping even ONE of you have this same worry)- the more out in the world i am, the more exposed and weird i feel. it's sort of a strange thing for me, as i truly believe in living an open life, but being here makes that almost impossible. for one thing, NO ONE asks about my life back home, AND for another- my life back home doesnt actually make sense to the people here and, in some cases, is offensive (see also homophobia- not so much in regards to me, but to most of my friends and, indeed, my father). but it's SO damn hard to make friends here- partly because everyone here has a LIFE already, which is fine, but getting INTO someone's life is difficult. i'm aware that this happens everywhere and it's not just a problem related to here, but still- it makes for difficult days, like today. partly, it's difficult, too, because i think i'm actually rather guarded, and the people here are as well. i think THEY are guarded (after having this conversation with marcia and then sherrie-ann) because: 1) it's a small country and why put your business out for people to hear when it could easily get BACK to people you dont want to hear?, and 2) because evidently, everyone is rather "cut-throat" here in their need to get a leg up. so couple that with my inherent, private nature and need for deeper relationships and you get ME, homesick and troubled.
i'm also troubled because i dont think i make very good attachments to people. am i, in fact, just distracting myself with trying to make friendships, etc, here? could i leave tomorrow and never talk to anyone from here again and be fine? i was worried about this leaving cedar rapids too, actually.
i dont know, marcia peterman says i'm a big worrier and to some extent, she's probably right, though "worrier" implies, to me anyway, someone who's CONSTANTLY worrying about every little thing, and i really, truly DONT do that. i am concerned about many things, i think about inevitable catastrophic events, i tend to see things going poorly as opposed to WELL. . . okay, i'm a worrier. my name is anne and i'm a worrier.
i just dont want to be UNAWARE.
bleh. what i truly feel like today is going home, back to my comfort zone, not making a complete FOOL of myself with people, and taking a nap.
i'm also troubled because i dont think i make very good attachments to people. am i, in fact, just distracting myself with trying to make friendships, etc, here? could i leave tomorrow and never talk to anyone from here again and be fine? i was worried about this leaving cedar rapids too, actually.
i dont know, marcia peterman says i'm a big worrier and to some extent, she's probably right, though "worrier" implies, to me anyway, someone who's CONSTANTLY worrying about every little thing, and i really, truly DONT do that. i am concerned about many things, i think about inevitable catastrophic events, i tend to see things going poorly as opposed to WELL. . . okay, i'm a worrier. my name is anne and i'm a worrier.
i just dont want to be UNAWARE.
bleh. what i truly feel like today is going home, back to my comfort zone, not making a complete FOOL of myself with people, and taking a nap.
Monday, February 02, 2009
ginormity of spider
yeah, this is IT, plus marcia's foot for perspective, PLUS my face to all who did not believe. . .
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